Donate to My Demise

So as someone of you may know, I have recently gotten into biking. It had been awhile for me- until two weeks ago, the last time I had been on a bike, it had a banana seat, basket and bell. It was also pink and fabulous.

The reason for my newfound pedaling mania- I've been training for the Hazon New York Bike Ride, which will take place over Labor Day Weekend. Over two days, I will ride 100 miles and for the week afterwards, I will be unable to sit. The purpose of the ride (and my pain)- to raise money for Hazon and the programs it supports. Hazon is a great organization that raises money for environmental initiatives and education in the Jewish community in the U.S. and Israel. It also gets typically sedentary Jews to move around.

In honor of the event and my foray into the world of wheels, I've parodied a song. The lyrics are below:

I'm On A Bike (inspired by I'm On A Boat, by Andy Samberg and Co. )

I’m on a bike, I’m on a bike

Everybody look at me

Cause I’m pedaling on a bike.

I’m on a bike, I’m on a bike

Everybody take a good hard look

At the motherfucking bike.

I’m on a bike motherfucker, take a good look at me,

Pushing uphill, other riders weaving right round me.

Busting 5 M.P.H, think I’m gonna fall but psych-

You can’t stop me motherfucker cause I’m on a bike!

Take a picture trick, I’m on a bike son,

Drinking water from my camel back under the blazing sun.

I got my spandex shorts with extra padding under my tushy,

You just sitting on the grass, backside getting mushy.

I’m on a hybrid, flipping over my handlebars,

But don’t worry cause that scrape shouldn’t leave a big scar.

There ain’t no training wheels, this is as ill as it gets,

I’m on a bike motherfucker, don’t you ever forget.

I’m on a bike and it’s going fast down,

Bloomberg’s green lanes all ‘round town.

Like Ed Begley Jr, my carbon footprint's tiny,

If you in a car, then you makin' Earth grimey.

Get the fuck up, this bike is real!

Hey ma, if you can see me now

One hand off so I can scratch my nose, wow!

Gonna ride this bike to the moon somehow.

With the help of steroids, anything is possible!

Never though I'd be on a bike,

Not something I thought I'd like,

Lance Armstrong, look at me!

Never thought I'd see the day,

That I'd be two wheeling away,

Believe me when I say- I biked 100 miles!

To make a donation, please go to my personal page: http://hazon.kintera.org/2009nyride/bgirltastic

If you prefer to donate offline, please make your check out to Hazon and mail it to Hazon 45 West 36th Street, 8th floor, NYC, NY 10018. Please be sure to write my name, Dvora Meyers, in the memo section of the check and let me know when you send it so I can keep an eye out! You will get an acknowledgment letter from Hazon for tax purposes.

Also, there will be a contest to see who has the most original/humorous "Donation in honor/memory of" line . Right now, Avi M. has a clear lead over the field with his hilarious (if morbid) "In memory of Dvora's collarbone." Let's see if anyone can top that. Prize is still TBD.

Thank you so much for your support!

B-boy Overalls

I awoke this morning to find this video in my Facebook feed- the lovely Shay R. posted it.



It looks as though he's doing what we modern breakers call a swipe. While that's dope and all, I'm really much more concerned with the overalls he's rocking. Fresh!

I'm going to buy a pair and wear them to the next jam. I will be Overall-Tastic!

Transformers done right

If this is how most little boys and adult little boys played with their Transformers then perhaps I could get into them too.

From yours truly, Bumblebee Girl, here's Bumblebee Boy (vid first spotted on More Than A Stance Blog):



Still, I refuse to see either of the Transformer movies, even if the machines can do dope 90s.

With Benefits

A few weeks ago, I wrote about a man who tried to pick me up by talking about his excellent medical insurance. In that post I wondered if this was a new trend, that in the age of skyrocketing health care costs and shrinking coverage, men would now try to impress women with their Aetna cards instead of their tricked out cars.

Well here is the musical video version of that post- Boyfriend with Health Care Benefits. (Thanks to Jason S. for sending this my way.)

Web Site Story

A musical for the Twitter-Facebook generation from College Humor.

See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.

Tossing Petals

As some of my dear readers might know, I hosted a prom last year to make up for the one that never happened in high school. With that developmental milestone finally conquered, I figured I could move on and live a happy, healthy life, free from neuroses. But after I took down the streamers and removed my hideously pink dress, I realized was not healed. There was still something missing, something that I was supposed to do as a child or teen but never got around to. And then at my most recent Shabbat dinner, someone mentioned her experiences in flower girl-dom. That's when I knew what was still wrong with me- I've never been a flower girl.

At the age of four, I was supposed to be the flower girl at my first cousin's wedding. But that week, according to my mother, I had misbehaved a lot. She decided that she actually wanted to enjoy her nephew's wedding instead of minding a bratty child for hours. She hired a babysitter and went to the wedding without me. My basket of rose petals withered and died, never to be tossed in the bride's path.

Now some of you might be thinking- perhaps your present anxious situation is the result of being raised by the kind of mother who would leave you at home instead of taking you to a family wedding where you were supposed to be the almost center of attention. (She was also the kind of mother, who when asked for a puppy, looked at me and said, "But I've raised two children," as though that dog rearing and child rearing were somehow equivalent.) To them I say, I already have a shrink and am well versed in Freud. My problems have nothing to do with my zany yet lovable mother and everything to do with not having been a flower girl. All I need to do is reenact this milestone and perhaps then I will be ready to settle and have a wedding of my own.

So now I ask any soon to be brides- how would you like a 26 year old flower girl at your wedding? I am willing to walk down the aisle on my knees in order to be appear shorter? I am also willing to break dance at the reception if that sweetens the offer?

Any takers?

It's the Ultimate Loop "Hole"

In an earlier post, I discussed the legend of the sex through a hole in a sheet but I obviously neglected to note an important use for it. Thankfully, the good folks at the Upright Citizens' Brigade made a video explaining how to properly use a hole in a sheet.

Upright Citizens Brigade
Hole in the Sheet
www.comedycentral.com
Joke of the Day Stand-Up Comedy Free Online Games

But for those of you afraid of dirtying your linen or walking around dressed as a Halloween ghost, I propose a different solution: the shinnui, which comes from the Hebrew l'shanot. This means "to change." I learned the term in a discussion of Sabbath laws and restrictions where it refers to "awkward changes." Practically, this means you can do certain prohibited things on the Sabbath if you do it differently from the norm- such using your left hand instead of your right, or twisting your arm and performing the deed from an unusual angle. Let's say you wanted to move a blow dryer that is in the way. Now technically you are not supposed to touch things you're not allowed to use (such as electronic devices) but if you moved the blow dryer with your left hand it would be okay since the left for most people would be the non-dominant hand and using would imply a change from normal use, or a shinnui. The rabbis believed that if you did it awkwardly you wouldn't for a second forget that it was the Sabbath and accidentally plug it in and do your hair. Like my politics, I'm a lefty so I would have to go right.

Now, rabbinically speaking, use of shinnui is limited but when I started to dabble in electricity on the Sabbath, I decided to apply the principle to my transgression in order to minimize culpability. I used to go around flipping light switches with my elbow. My right elbow that is. Dvora: 1. God: 0

I had been inspired by one of my cousins who joked that you, "could eat pork as long as you did it with a shinnui." Or through a hole in a sheet.