Tossing Petals

As some of my dear readers might know, I hosted a prom last year to make up for the one that never happened in high school. With that developmental milestone finally conquered, I figured I could move on and live a happy, healthy life, free from neuroses. But after I took down the streamers and removed my hideously pink dress, I realized was not healed. There was still something missing, something that I was supposed to do as a child or teen but never got around to. And then at my most recent Shabbat dinner, someone mentioned her experiences in flower girl-dom. That's when I knew what was still wrong with me- I've never been a flower girl.

At the age of four, I was supposed to be the flower girl at my first cousin's wedding. But that week, according to my mother, I had misbehaved a lot. She decided that she actually wanted to enjoy her nephew's wedding instead of minding a bratty child for hours. She hired a babysitter and went to the wedding without me. My basket of rose petals withered and died, never to be tossed in the bride's path.

Now some of you might be thinking- perhaps your present anxious situation is the result of being raised by the kind of mother who would leave you at home instead of taking you to a family wedding where you were supposed to be the almost center of attention. (She was also the kind of mother, who when asked for a puppy, looked at me and said, "But I've raised two children," as though that dog rearing and child rearing were somehow equivalent.) To them I say, I already have a shrink and am well versed in Freud. My problems have nothing to do with my zany yet lovable mother and everything to do with not having been a flower girl. All I need to do is reenact this milestone and perhaps then I will be ready to settle and have a wedding of my own.

So now I ask any soon to be brides- how would you like a 26 year old flower girl at your wedding? I am willing to walk down the aisle on my knees in order to be appear shorter? I am also willing to break dance at the reception if that sweetens the offer?

Any takers?