Minhag HaMakom Baby!

I was recently at a bat mitzvah for one of my cousin's on the very frum side of the family and it was a lovely weekend. And though most of my clothing, excepting the winter stuff, no longer met Orthodox Jewish modesty requirements (covering elbows, knees and collarbones), I managed to put together a few outfits that were simple and classy (well, for me at least) and didn't at all look like they could be worn late at night in the East Village.

The reason I was on my best sartorial behavior- Minhag HaMakom. It literally translates to the "custom of the place." I learned about the concept when I was in school. It is frequently invoked when discussing differing dress norms in various Jewish communities and the expectation that when visiting a place where the code is more stringent than your own, you should rise to meet the local standards. Kinda like a Jewish version of "When in Rome.."

Back when I was in school, I believed in this idea wholeheartedly. I thought that if I went to Meah Shearim (an ultra-Orthodox enclave in Jerusalem) in short sleeves, I would deserve to have diapers and rocks thrown out me for violating local standards and exposing their impressionable sons to my elbows. Okay- I didn't actually condone violence for sartorial transgression, but I understood where they were coming from. Really, I did.

Back then, I viewed Jews who were not Orthodox benevolently but I considered their practice lazy. I couldn't possibly fathom that they had good reasons for doing what they did- whether it was wearing pants (I'm referring to the women folk) or praying in mixed gender settings. So naturally I assumed that when the denominational paths crossed, the Orthodox norms should be upheld- whether it was kashrut or single gender prayer. After all, we were the ones that actually had standards.

But since veering from strict Orthodoxy into a more fluid practice and speaking with those I had once thought of as "lax, " I've come to realize that principle guides their practice just as it does for Orthodox Jews, which means only some of the time for both groups. (The rest is just habit and lifestyle). For most non-Orthodox parties, mix gender prayer is a matter of egalitarian principle. A woman reading from the Torah has to do with equality. And when Orthodox push to have only their practice maintained in pluralistic settings, they don't consider that having fewer thou shalt nots doesn't mean you can't be offended or feel that your beliefs are being compromised.

Now perhaps there is no important principle informing my newfound "sluttiness" other than liking how I feel in those clothes, which is why I didn't object about conforming when visiting much more Orthodox family. After all, I was a guest in their home.

But shouldn't Minhag HaMakom work the other way? Shouldn't I be able to insist that when visiting my home, my family show some leg, or elbow? I could just see it now- My cousins in my apartment on the Upper West Side. I walk over to one and politely ask, "Chani, can you undo your top button?"

"Why?" she'd respond.

"I just don't feel comfortable with you all covered up. After all, I am wearing a tank top and I tend to view the modesty guidelines, with their focus on joints and bones, as demeaning. It seems to me that the rabbis are objectifying and fetishisizing women's bodies by reducing them to parts that then must be hidden lest the men folk get an erection. I'm sorry, but it's a matter of principle."

The principle being- Minhag HaMakom, baby!