No Homo: Jewish Edition

By now, many (or even most) of you have watched the video (embedded below) about the phrase, "No Homo."



"No homo" is the best thing to ever happen to the homophobic man. As the video explains, the phrase is used to make potentially gay seeming interactions- such as wearing skinny jeans, and uttering "fabulous"- safe for heterosexuals. But what of the circumstances particular to Jews that would require such a declaration?

1. Circumcision- Mohel to male infant as he raises the knife. "No homo." Or anything involved in the entire circumcision process, but especially the metzizah b'peh (when the mohel sucks a drop of the circumcision blood. To Stephanie Meyer and the writers of True Blood- you got nothing on the rabbis!)

2. Mikvah- Ritual immersion requires complete nudity and is sometimes in the presence of others. When it's only women, it's hot (For proof, see this post). When it's just naked men, a firm "No Homo is needed.

But those examples are obvious...and obviously not gay.

Here are a couple you may not have considered:

3. When beginning to say the Amidah (which is a Jewish prayer), one typically takes three steps backwards and three forward (someone cue the Paula Abdul music). Now if a man was in an Orthodox synagogue where there is gender separation for prayer, the person behind you would also be male. If he was to, say, back up into another man, "No Homo" would be absolutely necessary lest anyone think that the accidental bump was somehow like a toe tap in a men's room. (Also, a section just for men to rock back and forth and sway in unison- another cause for "No Homo!" if I ever heard one.)

4. Jewish weddings (and especially the Orthodox ones)- When performing for the pleasure of the bride and groom, it is common to see one man sitting atop another's shoulder. Whether top to bottom, or bottom to top, an emphatic "No Homo" is required to make this situation totally heterosexual.

Of course since the Jews are God's "Chosen People," perhaps we should choose a different term, one that distinguishes our gay fear from the greater secular homophobia.

No Faygele anyone?

Doesn't quite have the same ring to it.

Leave your suggestion for an expression and/or other Jewish situations that it can be applied to.